One of Those Days...

Today was one of those days that has left me feeling deflated. I am exhausted. I've laughed. I've cried. I've whispered. I've screamed. What I haven't done is bathed.

Today was a day where I let my emotions get the best of me. Sawyer screamed pretty much all day. He forced me to use our jog stroller, hence that being the only way he would stop screaming. "Helpless" doesn't begin to describe the frustration of not being able to quiet and calm your child. I walked. I bounced. I sang. I hummed. I danced. To no avail.

So, I cried. I caved to the frustration. 14 hours is a lot of crying for one day. Thank goodness his dad got home. I've got a glass of merlot and a hot shower in my future. Tomorrow will be better. I just know it.

Fast Pace

I have a healthy little man. Sawyer Braddock Green was born July 11, 2009. He weighed 10 pounds 9 ounces and was 23 inches long. He's absolutely beautiful...so cuddly, so calm. I finally have a snuggler. He's 3.5 months old now, and wearing 9 month clothes. He has blonde hair and is the mini me of his father. He has a smile that is infectious. I am truly blessed.

Addison is amazing. She's 22 months. I can't believe it's almost been 2 years since she introduced us to parenthood. Some days I'm on autopilot, but I wish I could slow down and savor every minute with her. She is so smart. She knows all her letters of the alphabet...counts, sings songs, reasons, listens...she's mature beyond her age for sure.

Sometime life is overrun with appointments, bills, plans...there are days I wish we could freeze time and never forget the laughter...the smiles...the dances...the songs.

They are both growing so fast. Becoming little people...with their unique personalities. I hope and pray they look back on their childhood and know how much they were loved and adored.

I pray for patience daily and constantly repeat Darius Rucker's song lyrics, "It won't be like this for long." I pray to remember all the details. Even the ones that aren't my favorite. One day I'll wish she'd want me to read Green Eggs and Ham one more time. I'll wish I could still give her baths and laugh with her as she splashes . That she'd always cry out "mommy" in the middle of the night. That we'd be able to sing and dance together and I'd be the one she'd want to hold hands with. She's not even 2, but I can tell my little girl is growing up. It's a beautiful thing, yet makes me sad to know these moments are not going to last forever. I pray I cherish the little things always.

Being a mother is the greatest gift I've ever known. God is so generous to let his children bless our lives in so many ways. He teaches us so many lessons through them. Patience, unconditional love, and most importantly that He is in control. We aren't promised tomorrow...so let us hold the moments we are given in our hearts and mind and never let them go.

99 Days and Counting

It's so hard to believe that I'll have a little boy in less than 100 days.

I am blessed to have so much time with my daughter, Addison. She is so entertaining these days. At the end of the day, I am more tired than I ever imagined. However, I know that I won't get these moments back. She looks like her daddy, but she is so much like me. I just sit and stare at her. I'm constantly in complete amazement. Before my eyes she is growing and becoming this wonderful person.

Sometimes I wonder how I will manage two. Addison is very demanding right now. I want to make sure I give her what she needs while providing for a newborn and, oh yeah, taking care of myself, and my marriage and the house, laundry...ugh. It stresses me out just thinking about it. I know we'll get through it. I know God will provide.

99 days is not a long time.

I think at this point with Addison I had everything done. Her room was painted, crib assembled, clothes organized by age. This time around, I have nothing done. I thankfully have a wonderful friend that is letting me borrow clothes and there are so many cute ones to go through and organize for him. We have no crib. No bedding. We won't be painting. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Am I acting as if time is just going to stop so I can get all of this done?

He's kicking all the time, reminding me that his arrival is coming soon. I am so ready to meet him and yet scared at the same time. I know what to expect and that's what scares me. Giving birth isn't my concern, like it was the first time. It's being able to juggle all the responsibilities x 2.

I am blessed. Truly blessed to even be able to have a baby. Having 2 is truly a gift. I need to be more thankful...thankful for the chaos, the worry that only being a parent brings. The sleepless, showerless days shall pass eventually. I need to embrace the gift of being a mom and enjoy it to it's fullest. My kids will need me no matter how tired I am or how stinky I get.

99 days...and counting.

Didn't Expect The Tears

When it was time to get up at 5am to pack her things, I was fine. I filled her overnight bag with pajamas. I made sure she had plenty of play clothes. I went downstairs and filled a Ziploc bag with all her favorite breakfast goodies and made a sippy cup full of whole milk. I was certain to put her medicine in the overnight bag to help stave off the excema and heal her worsening cough.

When I crept back up to her room and peered into her crib, emotions overwhelmed me. There she was, curled up on her pillow, butt in the air and hands tucked underneath. I gently rubbed her back until she rolled over and said, like only she can, "hey". She stood up and when I picked her up, she immediately tucked her hands underneath herself and laid her head on my shoulder. We danced in the darkness and whispered our good mornings. She is so beautiful. Pure, sweet innocence.

She didn't want to go to her daddy today, which has just started. No one will do but me. At times this can be frustrating, but this morning, I was so glad. I didn't want to share the last few minutes.

We went "boop-boop" down the stairs and put her coat on. She wanted to collect all of her books before we left. As we walked out the door and watched my husband finish loading the car, she was waving and saying "byyyyyye-bye". I explained she was going to Nonna's and daddy was going to take her. All the while welling up with yet more tears.

As he placed her in her carseat all I could think was, "what if...", all the horrible and horrendous things that could happen to them. My whole world was leaving in that car and I was scared to death.

By this time, Addie is dancing in her carseat to a song on the radio. She's smiling and waving. So happy. I ask my husband to call as soon as he gets there. He asks me to call him after my OB appointment this morning. And they are off...

I close the garage door and the flood of tears come. I fold laundry. I leave a voicemail for my mom letting her know they are on their way. I feel numb. I know I should take advantage of my one opportunity to sleep in, but I know I won't be able to sleep until she's there safe. I sit here behind this screen, wishing the noises of the house included her pitter-patter and baby talk.

It's only one night I tell myself. The way I feel you would think it's forever.

I never thought I could feel this much love. It's unexplainable. Today has been a lesson in faith and how I have to realize that their lives are in someone else's hands and God has given me the gift to know them and love them.

Watching and waiting

I hate seeing the people I love hurt. It's not fair.

My mom and grandma came down on Thursday to see the new house and to help me finish the last little odds and ends of moving in. Of course my mom had other motives...to spend time with her granddaughter, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, Thursday/Thursday night were good. We had fun, we got takeout, we talked, we played, we worked some...it was a great visit. Friday started out great. We met my friend Shannon and brother Brad at the Farmer's Market for lunch and then we shopped for plants. My grandmother opted to sit in the car, which I didn't think too much about since it was breezy and cool. We got home afterwards and she began asking when they were going home. Mom patiently explained that it would be tomorrow, that my cousin Missie and her daughter were coming down to visit. That seemed to pacify grandma. We cooked dinner. We watched TV. We talked. We laughed. We stayed up later than she's used to, which may have been all she needed to take her out of her routine.

Addison woke up at 6:30 this morning, which by our standards was a good night of sleep for her. I came down and was feeding her breakfast and mom joined us a short time later. She looked as if she hadn't slept at all. Come to find out, grandma hadn't slept and neither had mom. Grandma had been up all night asking mom where she was, whose house she was in. Asking who the little girl was in the corner. Pitiful things that I couldn't believe until Grandma joined us in the kitchen.

Even though she had been here for 2 days, grandma acted like it was the first time she had ever seen the house. She thought we were in her house that had been completely remodeled. She asked how much she paid for the refrigerator and wondered who had delivered it to her. She kept rubbing the granite and saying this must be new. When we kept telling her it was my house, she wanted to know when she gave it to me. We told her she was in Raleigh, once if not a thousand times, but it never registered. She kept asking if Addison was the girl we got from overseas. She didn't know I was her granddaughter. This lasted for hours. Through breakfast. Through the morning hours.

Missie and Alex, my cousins, arrived around 11. We called my brother Brad and had plans to eat lunch at Five Guys. When it was time for us to leave, grandma didn't want to go. She wanted to stay at the house. We convinced her, finally. Lunch was good. She ate her hot dog, even though she's never hungry.

On the way home, she told me just to drop her off at her house. Once more we explained that she was in Raleigh, 2.5 hours away from home. When we got back to my house so mom could pack up, it was like she had never been here at all. Everything was new to her.

My mom walked out to load the car and had a complete breakdown. Sobbing so loudly we could hear it inside. She clung to my cousin Missie and I, saying I just want it to stop. She is grandma's sole caregiver...she witnesses this on a daily basis. Watching the mother that once cared for her and her children, slip further into a darkness that can't be explained. There are few things that can tear me up like seeing my mom cry and hurt. Knowing that nothing can be done to stop this pain is even more excruciating.

I feel selfish. I need my mom more than ever...and so does her mom...I wish I had a clever way to end this blog...if you could see the pain in my eyes and in my heart, there are no words.

Placenta Brain

Hello Hello!
Greetings from the mind of a pregnant mom with a 14 month old. Craziness has ensued. Our family moved this past weekend. We are now in a much bigger house...and Addison is in Heaven. There are 2 sets of stairs, which are better than the latest Baby Einstein video. We have moved most of the boxes and it actually feels like home already. However, I haven't learned the ins and outs of the place yet. There was a new fridge that I had to express all the air out of line for the door water dispenser to work. Who knew. Also, I did an entire cycle in the dishwasher without realizing that the water wasn't running to it. I thought the smell of burning plastic was normal for the first cycle...hmmm. Then, the best part of the day came when Addison and I went outside after her nap. Today was beautiful. I thought it would be a quick up and back down the street. I didn't bother with her stroller. Well, after about 20 minutes we were both ready to go inside...only to find out that the door had shut and locked behind me. So, without my cell phone or keys...we were stranded on a new street, without knowing any neighbors. Most of the houses on the street are still for sale, and I haven't ventured out to meet the neighbors who are there. God works in mysterious ways. We met lots today. The nice man down the street who has a 2.5 year old named Thomas brought his red wagon down to meet Addison. There's the mom, Abby, that was pushing her 5 month old, Annalise, that offered to go for a walk sometime. We met a dog named Martin and got compliments on our front porch. Addison tried dirt/mulch for the first time. It was a very productive mistake I made. We are blessed to live so close to our friends Shannon and Steve. I knew they were coming over eventually, so we explored until they arrived. Steve ran to McDonald's for a Happy Meal for Addison and Shannon stayed with me and watched Addison until the locksmith arrived. $115 later, we were back in our house. Shannon then volunteered to go to the grocery store for me. God truly made himself evident in my life today. Not that I don't see him everytime I look in Addison's eyes...but today was more evident. I am forever grateful for the gifts he's given me and the friends he's brought to my family.

We had MOPS this morning. What great women. How reassuring to know that we are not alone in this journey of motherhood. So many make it look effortless and yet it's comforting to know that it's not for everyone and these feelings of inadaquacy are normal.

So, as I question my ability to care for one baby with one on the way, I know that God won't give me anything I can't handle...and on days when I don't think I can handle it...he's surrounded me with his angels that make it all bearable.

A typical Wednesday

Whew...today was a long day. The weather cooperated a bit more today and Addison and I ventured out. We visited Best Buy to search for the steam washer and dryer that I am longing for. I suppose I wanted to find one with a minor scratch that would be discounted to a price I couldn't turn down. No such luck. I really want to be able to justify a $1500 washer and equally expensive dryer, however, my attempts are lost on my husband. Addison loves Best Buy. Where else can a child be mesmerized by 40 or more televisions showing the same monkey all in HD?

Let me interject here and say I am blessed with one of the world's friendliest children. She smiles, waves, says "HEY" with a cute head tilt that no one can resist. She has a head full of curls, blue eyes and cheeks you just want to kiss. She is happiest when she's either around lots of people or surrounded by a pile of books. Addison has never met a stranger.

After the disappointing trip to Best Buy, I decided a lunch at Chick-fil-A would be good for both of us. Kudo's to Chick-fil-A and how they cater to moms. Placemats that stick to the table, food delivery and disposal, and they treat my little girl like she's the only kid in the place. We all know that's not the case. Chick-fil-A is the mecca for stay at home moms. When I was single I used to joke that you needed a stroller to be admitted between 11-1. We had a nice lunch. She eats an entire kids meal at 13 months. We do the 4 nuggets, fruit cup and plain milk. Somehow she manages to make friends with the whole restaurant while consuming her food. We got stopped twice on the way out so older couples could ask her name. I am just her handler. It is pretty great that other people see her personality and react the way I feel 24/7.

We get back into the car, but I am not excited about going home. We drive to Ashley Furniture in search of the 2 chairs and coffee table with storage that must not have sharp edges. We are immediately greeted by "Jay" who proceeds to tell me all about Ashley Furniture, it's production process, delivery time and policies. He also tells me he's been out of work for 4.5 months and this was close to his house and he hopes it works out because he just put his 4 year old back in daycare and it's straight commission...I feel like I am being stalked. They do have some nice chairs, but no coffee table meets my specific needs and I politely leave. "Jay" looks defeated. I hate feeling guilty for just looking at furniture. Maybe I will risk life and limb again to purchase from Ikea in Charlotte. (that's another blog waiting to happen)

As we leave I note that it's almost Addison's nap time. Maybe if I drive more she'll sleep. So I load us back up. We head toward Smithfield. I've seen the billboard for the discount furniture place on I40 and I am determined to find it. As I approach the store, I see Addison is quietly sleeping and I can't possibly wake her to go feel guilty again. I keep driving into downtown Smithfield. Cute town. I make a Uturn in a Rite Aid parking lot and we are on our way home.

As I turn the key off, Addison is awake. A 20 minute nap is not sufficient and I know this. I take her inside and lay her in her crib. No dice. I tell myself that she'll cry herself to sleep. No such luck. The afternoon continues at a snails pace. I'm a jungle gym, a storyteller, a cafe. We laugh, she cries, whines, begs and I count down the minutes until dinner and my husband arriving home. I never want to wish away a second of her childhood. Trust me, every minute is precious to me. Today was just a longer day than most.