Friday, March 27, 2009

Didn't Expect The Tears

When it was time to get up at 5am to pack her things, I was fine. I filled her overnight bag with pajamas. I made sure she had plenty of play clothes. I went downstairs and filled a Ziploc bag with all her favorite breakfast goodies and made a sippy cup full of whole milk. I was certain to put her medicine in the overnight bag to help stave off the excema and heal her worsening cough.

When I crept back up to her room and peered into her crib, emotions overwhelmed me. There she was, curled up on her pillow, butt in the air and hands tucked underneath. I gently rubbed her back until she rolled over and said, like only she can, "hey". She stood up and when I picked her up, she immediately tucked her hands underneath herself and laid her head on my shoulder. We danced in the darkness and whispered our good mornings. She is so beautiful. Pure, sweet innocence.

She didn't want to go to her daddy today, which has just started. No one will do but me. At times this can be frustrating, but this morning, I was so glad. I didn't want to share the last few minutes.

We went "boop-boop" down the stairs and put her coat on. She wanted to collect all of her books before we left. As we walked out the door and watched my husband finish loading the car, she was waving and saying "byyyyyye-bye". I explained she was going to Nonna's and daddy was going to take her. All the while welling up with yet more tears.

As he placed her in her carseat all I could think was, "what if...", all the horrible and horrendous things that could happen to them. My whole world was leaving in that car and I was scared to death.

By this time, Addie is dancing in her carseat to a song on the radio. She's smiling and waving. So happy. I ask my husband to call as soon as he gets there. He asks me to call him after my OB appointment this morning. And they are off...

I close the garage door and the flood of tears come. I fold laundry. I leave a voicemail for my mom letting her know they are on their way. I feel numb. I know I should take advantage of my one opportunity to sleep in, but I know I won't be able to sleep until she's there safe. I sit here behind this screen, wishing the noises of the house included her pitter-patter and baby talk.

It's only one night I tell myself. The way I feel you would think it's forever.

I never thought I could feel this much love. It's unexplainable. Today has been a lesson in faith and how I have to realize that their lives are in someone else's hands and God has given me the gift to know them and love them.

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