Watching and waiting

I hate seeing the people I love hurt. It's not fair.

My mom and grandma came down on Thursday to see the new house and to help me finish the last little odds and ends of moving in. Of course my mom had other motives...to spend time with her granddaughter, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, Thursday/Thursday night were good. We had fun, we got takeout, we talked, we played, we worked some...it was a great visit. Friday started out great. We met my friend Shannon and brother Brad at the Farmer's Market for lunch and then we shopped for plants. My grandmother opted to sit in the car, which I didn't think too much about since it was breezy and cool. We got home afterwards and she began asking when they were going home. Mom patiently explained that it would be tomorrow, that my cousin Missie and her daughter were coming down to visit. That seemed to pacify grandma. We cooked dinner. We watched TV. We talked. We laughed. We stayed up later than she's used to, which may have been all she needed to take her out of her routine.

Addison woke up at 6:30 this morning, which by our standards was a good night of sleep for her. I came down and was feeding her breakfast and mom joined us a short time later. She looked as if she hadn't slept at all. Come to find out, grandma hadn't slept and neither had mom. Grandma had been up all night asking mom where she was, whose house she was in. Asking who the little girl was in the corner. Pitiful things that I couldn't believe until Grandma joined us in the kitchen.

Even though she had been here for 2 days, grandma acted like it was the first time she had ever seen the house. She thought we were in her house that had been completely remodeled. She asked how much she paid for the refrigerator and wondered who had delivered it to her. She kept rubbing the granite and saying this must be new. When we kept telling her it was my house, she wanted to know when she gave it to me. We told her she was in Raleigh, once if not a thousand times, but it never registered. She kept asking if Addison was the girl we got from overseas. She didn't know I was her granddaughter. This lasted for hours. Through breakfast. Through the morning hours.

Missie and Alex, my cousins, arrived around 11. We called my brother Brad and had plans to eat lunch at Five Guys. When it was time for us to leave, grandma didn't want to go. She wanted to stay at the house. We convinced her, finally. Lunch was good. She ate her hot dog, even though she's never hungry.

On the way home, she told me just to drop her off at her house. Once more we explained that she was in Raleigh, 2.5 hours away from home. When we got back to my house so mom could pack up, it was like she had never been here at all. Everything was new to her.

My mom walked out to load the car and had a complete breakdown. Sobbing so loudly we could hear it inside. She clung to my cousin Missie and I, saying I just want it to stop. She is grandma's sole caregiver...she witnesses this on a daily basis. Watching the mother that once cared for her and her children, slip further into a darkness that can't be explained. There are few things that can tear me up like seeing my mom cry and hurt. Knowing that nothing can be done to stop this pain is even more excruciating.

I feel selfish. I need my mom more than ever...and so does her mom...I wish I had a clever way to end this blog...if you could see the pain in my eyes and in my heart, there are no words.